Five reasons why instant barbeques are evil

Matthew Chatfield

Instant barbeques are a plague! Along with patio heaters they should be consigned to the deepest pits of product hell. The Ranger has for once cast aside his normal reserve to tell you, frankly, five reasons why the ‘disposable BBQ’ is a despicable thing.

Instant BBQ

1. They have sharp edges and prick your fingers. No, really. It might not seem like much but razor wire is blunter than these things. When you’ve had to pick up enough of them you’ll see what the problem is. They just bust out of the rubbish bag and rip your legs up.

2. They’re not really very sustainable, are they? No, they are not. Far from it. Chinese charcoal in Hungarian foil, shipped to you for 99p. Burnt from old-growth forests, huge mileage, blah blah. You thought The Ranger would save that one until last, eh? Well, this is no eco-rant. There’s far worse than destroying the planet for the benefit of the multinationals. So keep reading.

3. They make the beach stink. The Ranger and his delightful companion were paddling in the sea today, when some goon fired up one of these foil squares. The beach was instantly filled with choking, acrid fumes. Now it may be that the perpetrator used some unauthorised fire accelerant, but the easy availability of these gadgets does seem to mean that everyone can have a BBQ anywhere, and in places where they would never have lugged all the necessary gear before. Too much, says The Ranger. Anyway, the smell gets into the food, too, whatever they put in those things tastes foul.

4. They burn holes in the grass and in picnic benches. You see the tell-tale square burn marks everywhere. They burn the grass, they burn the furniture. You can’t get it off, it looks nasty. Recycled plastic benches get it particularly badly. Please, if you must use them, use them on something you can’t melt or scorch. Like the bonnet of your car, maybe.

5. They make The Ranger’s roof leak. Yes, the sin of sins. This is the big one. See this:

Fort Victoria Country Park

This is the delightful Fort Victoria Country Park, where The Ranger has the privilege of working from time to time. This photo shows the roof of the listed Victorian fortress, where visitors can enjoy spectacular views of the western Solent. it is also the roof of the Ranger base, below, and it is clad in asphalt. Can you see what’s coming? Here it is:

BBQ melting the roof!

Aaargh! No! The barbequers have struck again. The barbeques have melted the roof. Twice, if you look carefully on the main picture. Of all the places… So please, if you love Rangers anywhere, just say no to disposable barbeques.

Matthew Chatfield

Uncooperative crusty. Unofficial Isle of Wight cultural ambassador. Conservation, countryside and the environment, with extra stuff about spiders.

2 thoughts on “Five reasons why instant barbeques are evil

  • 13th May, 2012 at 6:12 pm
    Permalink

    Har-di-har! That made us laugh like drains. Do say he was under way in the Round the Island at the time. And plastic yacht owner indeed – is there any other sort?

    Reply
  • 12th May, 2012 at 6:12 pm
    Permalink

    A very entertaining story from an IOW boat yard; A plastic yacht owner recently decided to light an instant bbq in the cockpit of his boat, hehehe! Now that’s an expensive bbq 😉 enuff instant bbq’s I say!

    Reply

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