Countryside Worker
Field Identification Guide
C ountryside
staff come in many different shapes and sizes. They are not easily distinguished
in the field, but for your own safety it is important that you learn to differentiate
between them quickly without having to take them back to the laboratory. To
assist you, Naturenet is now able to publish an online extract from the unique
'Countryside Worker Field Guide', which is to be published as an AIDGAP
guide. This project is still developing and needs further field testing.
Your help is needed to field-test the guide. Please follow the
key below and send us your comments and suggestions for improvements.
Instructions: Click the
link next to the description that best matches the countryside worker you need
to identify. When you 'key out' your specimen, follow the link to the details
and images to check your result.
1 |
Clothing of a substandard quality. A green, ripped (a little
stuffing protruding), quilted bodywarmer worn at all seasons. Boots as large
as possible, unpolished, covered in cow sh*t and mud with a nauseating odour. |
|
| Nice coloured fleece, maybe with embroidered logo. Rohan or similar trousers,
boots appear to be less than 2 years old and/or have multicoloured laces.
Beard reduced or absent. |
|
| Check shirt, possibly with a 'knotted string' tie (rare), or sporting
jacket with patches on elbows. Cord trousers. Stainless steel flask in all
weathers. Rarely if ever exits Land-Rover so footwear unknown. Beard grizzled
or even grey. |
|
| Not like any of these. |
|
2 |
Your specimen is a Rights
of Way Officer or possibly an AONB Officer,
or you are in Swansea. |
|
3 |
Your specimen is a Senior
Ranger. |
|
4 |
Specimen wears clean and tidy jacket, clean and ironed shirt
and silk tie (m) or possibly headscarf or Alice band (f). Green wellies,
possibly with corduroy trousers/jodhpurs/pleated skirt. Your
specimen is a Senior Manager. |
|
| Specimen is heavily tanned, smokes a pipe or cigar, and wears shorts in
all weathers. May have curious accent, bizarre and intimidating driving
habits, and yell unintelligibly at random intervals. Your
specimen is an Exotic Ranger. |
|
| None of the above. Your specimen is not a recognised countryside worker.
You may not be in the countryside at all - have you checked? |
End of Key. |
5 |
Specimen is dressed in an assemblage of old clothes and other
items which may be held together with orange string, or nothing. If a vehicle
is present, it will be older than you are. Specimen moves huge distances
in a day and rarely found in the same place twice. Your
specimen is a Wildlife Trust Ranger. |
|
| Specimen has logos sewn into every garment possible. Specimen asks you
repeatedly if you have ever considered 'joining'. Some older specimens may
be almost sedentary, and all show a remarkable reluctance to leave their
territory which can be embarrassingly small. Your specimen
is a National Trust Warden. |
|
| Specimen frequently found filling in 'timesheets' and 'vehicle logs'.
It is often possible to attract several specimens quickly by shouting 'Can
I see your Risk Assessments?' If outside, specimen is usually associated
with a 'flock' or 'gang' of contractors or trainees. If inside, specimen
will be in 'a meeting'. If vehicle is present, it will be brand new, and
may be oddly inappropriate for the task, eg steam-roller or fire engine.
Your specimen is a Local
Council Ranger. |
|
| Specimen is confined to an observation hide, or, rarely, carries a small
portable hide around with them. Can best be located by bleeping sound from
pager or mobile phone. Your specimen is a RSPB
Warden. |
|
| Specimen has never seen a human being before. Your
specimen is a National Park Ranger. |
|
| None of the above. An unknown class of Ranger or Warden. Approach with
caution, record your observations and send details to us for inclusion in
the next edition of this guide. |
End of Key |
Credits: this page, and
much of its contents, was originally conceived and researched by a group known
only as the 'concerned naturalists'. They are believed to be associated with
a large conservation-oriented landowner but refuse to make any further details
public.
Pages marked with this symbol are exclusively written for
Naturenet